Yes, we all have heard this beautiful quote by the one and only icon Marlyn Manroe.
In my life lately, everything has been falling apart. From my sanity to home furniture ( that is what life with a toddler looks like.) And NOTHING better has fallen together. So this quote is a straight lie. Thanks a lot, Marlyn!
To warn you, this post will have a lot of venting.
I haven’t been able to write a blog for months now. Sorry, but motherhood and family drama has been smacking me left and right. But today is one of those days where I had to come here and unwind. I have to let readers know the type of rubbish SAHM here on a daily basis.
After putting my teething toddler to bed today, my dearest husband had the AUDACITY to ask me, “What do I do at home the whole day, and why not start working from home while caring for our child.”
Yes he said that. The kitchen knife was right there I should have put my axe-throwing skills to use! don’t get me wrong I love my husband but there are times he tests my patience.
Why is SAHM looked down upon?! We work 24/7, many waking up at 8 am, changing diapers to hand feeding the baby every 3-4 hours, and entertaining a human being the entire day just to get a wooden block thrown at our face. I can’t get 5 minutes to use the bathroom in peace. It’s as if my baby can smell me leaving the room. And let’s not forget NO sick days. Coughing much? Take a Tylenol and get back to work….little Johnny wants his 125th snack.
Also, there is cooking, cleaning, and doing the damn laundry while having a rug rat attached to your hip. I would like my spine alignment to fall back together, please, better things can wait Marlyn. But this is not even the insane part.
After following several SAHM groups, I just found out that some SAHMs do all of the things I mentioned above only to be handed $200 monthly pocket money given by the earning spouse and are not allowed to have a credit card in their name or a joint account. The pocket money is for the child, not for the mother taking care of them. And to clarify, the groups are American-based, so 90% percent of those women are American and Caucasian. I spent 2 hours commenting “drop him sis” under all those post. They blocked me….
Now I am one of those who believes a relationship is suppose to be 50/50. He buys the house you live in it, He buys the plane tickets you travel, He buys the groceries you put it in the fridge and order take out because that is labor work, You birth a child that will have his last name he puts everything in your name. Its that simple.
Now I am going to go and do some shopping with my husband’s credit card because he should have known better.
Emma looked into the bathroom mirror and repeated. “Your disability does not make you weak.” for the twentieth time. This was going to be her 3rd interview in a week. She knew she was capable. She finally felt empowered to take a stand for herself after years of being bullied and pitied.
Emma suffered from language impairment and developmental disability. Stuttering and ADHD. But that didn’t stop Emma from achieving all her goals. She graduated with a Masters’s degree in Child Psychology with a 3.5 GPA. She was on the Swim team in H.S. and the Chess club. She was an A+ student. But, despite that, she felt she was not good enough due to her low self-esteem. She didn’t have many friends. If she had a problem, she would talk to her older cousin Alexis about it. Her parents were doctors and busy with work most of the time.
In America alone, 1 out of 5 women has a disability. That is 36 million women in the U.S. Women with disabilities are more likely to experience gender-based violence and discrimination.
Emma didn’t land that job interview. Even with her credentials. That rejection turned out to be the best for her. She still wanted to use her knowledge for the better and volunteered to help children that suffer from speech impairment. Emma Landed a job at the same therapy center she volunteered. In 2019 she specialized in working with children suffering from speech impairment and psychological health problems. She is moving on to start her center in 2024.
Emma’s story helped me understand that even with our disabilities, we are privileged. To get help 24/7 anywhere in America. And to use that privilege to help the less fortunate. As a type 1 diabetic since age 12 and suffering from ADD. I have donated to charities in 3rd world countries that help children suffering from diabetes with supplies and diabetes education.
So if you have a disability, be it physical or psychological, don’t be ashamed to accept it. Overcome it. And be an Emma.
Many young Muslim guys, especially in the desi community, have always been given way too much importance at home. Which has impacted their psychological health in such an alarming way that it has led them to believe the world revolves around them. YES, we are talking about the mama’s boys and dadi’s jigar ka tukda.
What we got to put up with.
When a misogynist like Andrew says, “women are men’s property after marriage and should sit at home and make coffee for their husband,” ghar ka nawabs took it seriously. They know that the Holy Quran states the opposite. When mommy dearest has kept them pampered since day one, and their younger sister is doing their laundry, while grandma willed everything to their name, Muslim guys likely will follow men like Andrew Tate. Every word Andrew Tate speaks is for men who have gotten everything served on a silver platter by women in their households.
Because in their mind, they think the females in their family are doing it out of love and compassion. Muslim parents have raised their sons as the culture wants, not as Islam commands. Middle Eastern and South Asian guys feel entitled because we have made them believe that is the truth. Sons feel they are to protect and assist the family when the father cannot be present. So sons should be looked after more. This may have been the truth years ago, but in this era, daughters are no less. A man’s job is not only to care for a woman financially. If he is taking care of his wife financially, that does not mean she is for granted and is to be treated like his maid. Discrimination between our daughters and sons has made males in our community think that we females need them to survive. Hence, When it is time to look for a wife, they need someone who can cook and clean after them but with a college degree because they need to hold up a standard in front of family members and friends. They cannot have people thinking they are backward now, can they? What will society say? Muslim ladies in this generation have decided it is better to stay single because the married ones are divorcing their husbands for this concern. So let me be the one to tell you guys in caps clearly since long-term inhaling of hookah smoke might have impacted some of your brain cells.
WE ARE NOT YOUR PROPERTY AND NOT YOUR MOTHERS, WHO WILL MAKE COFFEE FOR YOU AFTER WORKING ALL DAY WHILE YOU SIT AND PLAY VIDEO GAMES. Maybe if some of you learned the Quran and Hadiths, you would know how a lady should be treated.
2. Andrew is a Muslim now, so he gets a pass on the sexist remarks.
It is obvious why Andrew Tate became Muslim. Most of his followers are misogynistic Muslim men. It is better to become part of a community if you plan to make a profit from them. It is a simple business technique. Some might even call this spiritual fraud. He knew well that Muslims welcome everyone to Islam with open arms forgiving his/hers past sins. He knew well what to say and to whom to increase his popularity after being banned from all social media accounts. This is a man that exploits women as a means of business. Someone who likes to live in Romania because it is more corrupt than the west. A man that should have never been given a chance to mislead our youths. Muslim sisters knew the mic should have been seized away from him soon as women’s rights in Islam came up on his podcast. Let us not forget the countless time’s Muslim sisters warned their brothers about this man. A type of man our Prophets told us to avoid. Who show themselves to be believers when they are not.
Muslim men idolize an influencer that posts tweets about Islam with one hand while opening a strip club with the other. Do Muslim men want to guess where Andrew got the money for the strip clubs? Hustler University. Where Muslim men signed up in packs like fools, how did men read the name out loud and think it was legit? If you cannot tell from the university’s name. The institute is a total scam. I would have never guessed. Someone, please inform Moe from the corner store. An actual university course does not cost $50; they do not double and give you your money back. The money is gone Moe.
tata, Allah Hafiz
Remember, you men told us to stay in the kitchen and make coffee. We made it. Now it is time you men smell it and wake up! When we have Influencers like Andrew talking about our religion and a group of Muslim men supporting him. It does make our religion look immoral. Regardless, after all of this, sisters were labeled “so-called feminists” when we objected to Tate’s arguments. Before, you go on to say he is now a Muslim brother and not to judge his past. Scroll through his Twitter and see the number of times he posted sexist and degrading tweets about women AFTER he took the shahada. Our brothers need to realize that when you welcome and support men like Andrew Tate, you indirectly tell him and others how you view women and how our religion views women. You are telling a sister that if she gets raped, it is her fault, and she needs to bear the consequences. That woman should not drive. I do not even understand how most guys agreed to this one. When men tell us to drive to buy groceries, pick up the kids from school, Masjid, and soccer practice as they rot on the couch. Furthermore, Andrew even said that ladies are comparable to dogs. You won’t see Muslim women comparing men to dogs on live podcasts because we are wise to know dogs are loyal.
first it was doorknobs now its dogs
3. Choose better role models.
After watching a few Youtube videos of Andrew Tates’s conversion, I got an idea why Muslim men are fascinated by him. First, he talks about why he left Christianity. He quotes that Christians do not stand united when their religion is mocked, while Muslims do. Right there, he puts Islam in the spotlight. Then he proceeds to explain the amount of evil taking place around us. He does not go in-depth about Islam as he is still learning the religion. We all have simple morality when we put religion aside. It comes down to good vs. evil. One does not do several evil things and attach themself to a particular religion. But, they can use religion to escape from their consequences. Andrew knew the Muslim community would save him if his evil acts got caught. When he got arrested, the Muslim men on Twitter came to save him with the hashtag #saveandrewtate. Many Muslim preachers have done this also. Where they used Islam to commit heinous crimes. Andrew states that he was a devoted Christian. However, he was a Christian when he opened up strip clubs, was accused of rape, owned casinos, has an only fans business, and has a webcam business. I am pretty sure none of the things I listed are allowed in Christianity or Islam. The man you state will bring masculinity to Islam, top G, earns doing haram. His net worth of $700 million is haram. Do you believe he will give up his luxurious lifestyle for Islam? What has he done as a Muslim other than reject alcohol at a casino surrounded by naked women? Would you be a proud parent if your son did all that Andrew Tate does and still called himself Muslim? Do not get me wrong, many Muslim brothers drink and commit zina while preaching about Islam. It does not take a minute for the Muslim community to point fingers and expose them, so why does Andrew Tate get a pass? It is only because he is a wealthy celebrity who exploits women. The same women our Prophet Muhammad SAW told you to respect and care for while on his deathbed. Same women that have Paradise lying beneath their feet when they become a mother because men are not capable of handling the pain of childbirth.
Andrew got one thing right: Muslims stay together regarding our faith. That is the power of the Ummah. We do not change our beliefs for woke culture and western influence. Praying five times a day does not make a person religious. It makes them Muslim. There is nothing wrong with Andrew Tate learning about Islam. May he learn from Islam and change his ways. However, a line has to be drawn between welcoming someone to Islam and hero-worshipping them. A request from us sisters, please follow better influencers who honor women who don’t compare us to animals.
Urdu to English translation
– Dadi’s Jigar ka tukda Literal (Grandma’s piece of liver) Idiom (the most dear)
How many rapes before women learn their place? How many pogroms? How many wives are beaten in thirty-six seconds or in a ten-by twelve-foot room? These questions miss nearly every point that matters: these acts of violence are emblematic acts of terror; they are acts of hatred and hostility; they are murderous in intent; and […]
It has been five months since the formula shortage was addressed in the U.S. Maker of popular baby formulas, Abbott laboratories, closed a manufacturing facility in Sturgis, Michigan, in February 2022 due to contamination problems. This contamination contributed to the death of 2 infants and many sick children. Since then, mothers of newborns have hit the stores desperate to find even a box of formula while holding their crying and starving babies in their arms. In addition, many parents drive 4-6 hours to different states looking for baby milk. One mother drove from Austin to Dallas, searching stores with her baby in the backseat.
While others are lucky to have excessive breast milk, some are not. As a result, mothers give their babies donated breast milk as a last resort. A friend of mine in NJ had her sister, who has a five-month baby of her own, breastfeed her newborn. She said she tried everything from lactating drinks to pumping more. Unfortunately, the newborn refused to take her milk.
However, as formula shipments come in from Europe, there is no solution for parents who have to give their babies specialized formula due to specific health issues. A mother wrote on ‘what to expect’ that her baby, due to severe allergy uses a unique formula that is nowhere to be found in stores, and now her baby is admitted to NICU.
As someone who is going to deliver soon, this situation makes me furious. How could the government be so unprepared for something like this?. Even though the Biden administration has stated that the formula will be in stock by July, nothing is guaranteed. In places where the formula is available, parents buy them in bulks—leaving less for others.
Mothers to be, what are you doing to prepare for the shortage?
Many changes occur in a women’s body during pregnancy. After delivery, women go out of their way to get their bodies the way they used to. From postpartum diet to daily exercise. Many even go to extreme levels like surgery. But we fail to realize that some things might not ever be the same. For example, your stretch marks might take years to go away. The days you stayed out late to party with your friends will be missed. You might wonder how your life went from mixing drinks to making a bottle for your newborn every few hours. That postpartum back pain may continue until a decade. YEP, A DECADE!. Your daily schedule has now changed for someone else. And it’s going to stay like that for some time.
You might scroll through your old prepregnancy photos and want to cry. And it is entirely alright to shed a tear. Our body has done so much. Science says a human body can bear up to 45 dels (units) of pain, yet a mother feels 57 dels (units) of pain when giving birth. Even after the baby is born, we are exhausted and sleep-deprived, slowing down our recovery process. Becoming a problem that now starts affecting our mental state.
LET’S TALK ABOUT DEPRESSION
One in seven women suffers from PPD (postpartum depression). Symptoms can appear anytime during pregnancy to the first 12 months after childbirth. Suicide accounts for about 20% of postpartum death and is the second leading cause of mortality in postpartum women. Black and Hispanic women are more likely to get PPD and less likely to get treatment. Did you know that there are 7 types of mood disorders that a woman can experience from pregnancy to postpartum?. So a mother can suffer in silence with a disorder and won’t even know she has it.
If you or someone you know is experiencing symptoms, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. I myself have met with a counselor while being pregnant. Even if you don’t suffer from PPD there is a positive feeling you get just by sharing your thoughts with others.
Pregnancy and motherhood are not a picnic. And it is unfortunate that many don’t give attention to it. There will be struggles that mothers need to overcome. For working and single mothers, it may be more challenging than others. Speak to your gynecologist and contact online support groups for assistance. Don’t feel guilty to take time out for yourself to love yourself so you can make a healthy and positive environment for you and your baby.
To my sisters in Africa fighting for even access to education, To the daughters in India forced to marry as a child and have her dreams snatched away, To the mothers in Mexico and Afghanistan facing domestic violence because the government failed to protect you , To the women around the world who face sexual assault, abuse, low pay wage working 10x harder than a male coworker who makes more, not getting inadequate health care. May you overcome the gender discrimination. WE SEE YOUR STRUGGLES AND WILL KEEP FIGHTING FOR YOU!
Erica shouted at the other person on the line. It was my second year in college. We had 15 minutes for the Biology class to start and were both waiting outside the lecture hall. She hung up the phone in rage, wiping her tears with the sleeves of her sweatshirt. I could not resist and asked her if she was ok. She looked down in misery with tears dropping on her open textbook. She told me she was fighting a complicated custody battle of her four-year-old son.
Erica got pregnant when she was a junior in high school. Afraid to be a single parent, she continued to stay in an abusive relationship with her child’s father. One day during an argument, Erica’s boyfriend attempted to beat her. To save herself, she threw a paperweight at him, which accidentally hit her son. He was hurt so severely that they had to take him to the ER, where her boyfriend, upset about Erica fighting back, accused her of hitting her son and child neglect. Since Erica didn’t have a stable job after high school and never contacted domestic violence support about her abuse, her boyfriend was given temporary custody. She luckily didn’t go to prison because the act was proven unintentional but reckless. However, she had to take court-ordered parenting classes and pay an attorney $3,000, given to her by friends and family. Erica decided to transform her life while continuing to fight for her son.
I wondered how many Erica’s there were in the U.S prison who weren’t that fortunate. How many women linger in an abusive relationship with their children too scared to get out? End up getting killed? Alternatively, sent to jail for attacking their abuser in self-defense?. Even with domestic violence support and human services, it is not always easy for abuse victims to get up and walk out. Even after the abuser is detained, he could get out of jail in less than two years. Unfortunately, there is little to prevent a released abuser from returning and repeating the abuse despite issuing a restraining order.
Few victims
Nan hui Jo escaped an abusive relationship by fleeing to her home country with her daughter. The father reported her for child abduction in 2009. She stated that she didn’t know that she and her child could not leave the country to escape and not violate her U.S citizenship in 2014. She served 175 days in jail and lost her child’s custody.
Marissa Alexander was prosecuted for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon to protect herself from an abusive ex-boyfriend. She fired shots at the garage door when she couldn’t get it to open and escape. Even though no one was injured, she was sentenced to 20 years in jail. However, her conviction was overturned in 2013, and she renegotiated a deal to serve three years in prison and two years on house arrest.
Bresha Meadows, 14 years old, shot and killed her abusive father in Ohio in 2016. She had reported her father to authorities multiple times but was dismally turned away. She spent a year in juvenile detention.
The list goes on…
The statistics
In 2018, van der Leun started a project to provide that context and tell the complete stories of battered girls and women serving time for their victimhood being criminalized. Out of 5,098 surveys being sent to 45 detention facilities in 22 states, only 608 were completed. 60% reported abuse before being incarcerated. 43% confirmed their partner abused them. In comparison, 41% killed their abusers while claiming to be protecting themselves. That is 250 women serving years in prison for self-defense. Sadly, This is not even 1/3 of the actual numbers.
Around 4,000 women are killed yearly due to domestic violence in the United States. Approximately 75% of women who are killed by their batterers are murdered when they attempt to leave or after they have left an abusive relationship. So what options are there for women repeatedly traumatized by abuse other than leaving their home in a body bag or handcuffs?
“You are disgusting, and this is what you deserve” – slur said to an Ethiopian rape survivor.
‘Look at how many children you can have. Now you are going to have our children. You are going to have our little Chetniks,’ said a Serbian white eagle gunman to a Bosnian Muslim rape survivor.
“Now you’re engaged, but after we rape you, no one will marry you.” – Kurdish rape survivor taunted by her captors.
There are countless slurs like the ones above that are said to war rape survivors by their rapists. Yet, they can’t do anything but endure the pain. They are displaced, their family murdered, raped, and everything taken away from them, waiting years for justice to be served. When rape occurs during the war, it is very insulting to the community’s honor. Other communities and countires are not as accepting as in the west. Women must cope with the physical and psychological trauma of rape and the possibility of rejection by their families.
Motivation
Sexual assault in a war has been occurring since the classical period. Before laws against sexual violence during any war came into place, it was acceptable for a man to use a woman as legitimate booty, valuable as wives, slave labor, or battle-camp trophy. Capturing the wealth and property of an enemy was regarded as a legitimate reason for war in itself. Women were considered lawful property of a man. Therefore, the rape of a woman was considered a property crime committed against the man who owned the woman. Even if we don’t see a woman as property owned by men today, females are judged as weak. A women’s sexual purity holds the honor for her and her community. When she is raped, that honor is taken away from her and her people. Her community indirectly blames her for the shame they have to face.
It was not until 1994 that rape was considered a war crime by the U.N. Near the second half of the 20th century, cases of rape were documented in more than 20 military and paramilitary conflicts. The international community became aware of this, especially after reports of mass rape of Bosnian women during the 90s’ Balkan war and the genocide in Rwanda (1994). That sexual abuse is intentionally used as a weapon to destroy whole populations, terrorize people and drive them from their homes. Unfortunately, the government does not give victims of rape proper psychological care, leaving them traumatized.
Children of war
During the Bosnian war, more than 50,000 Muslim women were raped and forcefully impregnated by Serbian soldiers. There are around 4,000 children born out of those rapes. Many of the children were abandoned right after birth or given up for adoption because the children reminded the mothers of the horror they had to go through. In 2018 Rohingya women shared a similar faith. Raped by Myanmar soldiers and militiamen and impregnated, they were forced to flee to Bangladesh for safety. However, since Bangladesh doesn’t allow abortion after the first trimester, most women had to keep the baby.
What we can do to help
Educate others that rape in war should be spoken about and brought attention to. Help provide counseling to the victims and those affected. We must change people’s attitudes that women and girls are just as worthy as men and boys. Donate to charities that help survivors of war rape and children born from war rape.
WomenOfColorUnite 